Exoskeleton

What really am i doing here?….

We each see the world through the lens of our minds, which begs the question… why is it this, that i see?, why is the world so lesser to me? I’m sick…of all this, why do i see nothing that makes living worth it? I want to be touched, I want to be felt, I want to be known by someone so deeply. But if ever I want to possess such a thing, I become empty; I retreat inward where no one can find me. like a serpent, crawling its way back through skull and bones, as it creeps further and further, the skin petrifies into a hard crust, my eyes sinking into pits of darkness; Finally leaving myself closed off to this world.

Now, to those who still want me, lets try love, just try to feel love from my animated corpse, what do you feel? Is it nothingness?…that is what you get from me, this exoskeleton that is I. You steal a kiss, but find brimstone, you hold me close to feel loved, but pull away, before being swallowed by the stark realization of how lesser you are to an infinite void. I have made my exit from this plain, until you can’t love me, until you no longer want to feel me, until you no longer want to know me.
So many things stand in shadow, too many things unknown, about me….

And the perpetrator and reason for my doom, is I, nothing bad happned to me that i did not control,
that i did not wish. everything that I am, is of my design, not yours, not theirs, not its….mine.
The things i like, the things i hate, and the things i want, all broken just the way i left them, lying twisted and tormented. the shame, the guilt, the pleasure, the pain, the sadness, the hurt inside i can not contain, anymore.

and i love it….

watch me run down my face, as i smile so softly, whispering, do you love me, do you need me, do you
see me, how long will i stay risen…this time.
the expression of my god…
see through the blood..what do you see…………..
do you know what eyes look like when their dead…pale, frozen, stuck, but still looking.

Now isn’t that funny….

The reason i don’t want love, is because when i see, i see someone else, other, changed, lost. Not
someone but something, a fixture in this world, acting, moving, subsisting like a piece of machinery.
Nothing to see here, nothing to say, nothing to be but this decay. I did feel somthing once, a decade ago, I did taste but a grain of love. That is why i can not forget, that is why i am forever haunted; this chasened mind comprehends what it doesn’t want to know, and never forgets what it can’t stand to remember.

I think im dangerous, but I won’t do anything about it……I’m just the way i like it.

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