Is it night or is it day, I cant seem to tell anymore, all the colors seem so muted. A wailing of vexation, the clouds of thunderous silence, forming closer than I’d hoped. The bastardization of a malicious incantation, fix me now, sweet sounding deviation. Hindrance gaining ground, passions waning, secret of the artforms, commiseration. Populace now populating, this pestilence of the damned in waiting. See me from whence I came, to bleed me dry a final flame, senseless truth a crying shame. Feed the bewildered beasts, of festered meats, slurping and slobbering, time to stoop the hollowing, go reap the wallowing. Entwined, I do break bread, err to whisper, do i feel dead. Spent and warn, failure of the first born, set upon, the seekers swarm. The king of locusts comes, bringing torment, and lamentation, laying waste to all creation. Abaddon, the place of destruction, with sands of crumbling flesh and bone, lightning strikes glassing these fields of omen. The beast comes to bear, seated at the head of the table, with Kain and Abel. It’s the last supper now, with remnants of decay, fear not this coming age, the world is ours, so give it rage.
just for tonight stop looking……
to discover whats already here…
so where does my adventure begin,
what great ocean awaits….
i must first define what i need to stop looking for so i can know myself, but not what i imagine myself to
be, because the person i dream of, is an illusion blocking me from the truth. i imagine a man, great, noble, brilliant, but also; licentious, corrupted, and insane; i imagine a man wanting the best for the world, to see all suffering eradicated and true utopia arise as humanity reaches for its full potential, and yet; lustfully dreams of destruction for all things, to drag the world so far down, our eyes sufficate in the all consuming shroud of darkness, and the sounds of the dying…the cries of the dead…, become a continuum of agony, as dystopia desends upon humanity, they reach for the ashes of a broken future.
that is who i imagine i am….
but i also imagine a “real” version,
a secondary illusion…
i see a ghost, a watcher, moving through life on an empty train, looking out through the window, time moves fast, only lingering on the times i should have been, i often wonder; wandering from instant to
instant, why am i, who am i, where do i belong, the world turns to dust as i watch the home movies of my life over…..and over, trapped inside the misery of my own soliloquy. a solitary existance, carefully planning one move to the next, trying to avoid failure, but failing to start playing. i also see a shadow, silent, guarded, and afraid; quietly afraid of what i have to say, i fear I’m hiding who i am today, always living behind, the times eroding my memory, what do i do, when will be to late, why…..?, these things i say inside my head, as the world eclipses me, my eyes bleed, clearly i taste the bitter reality, all i have is nothing, a glass waiting and just that, the substance of my forfillment is unobtainable, and yet
inescapable….on a ghost train to nowhere…..
and now…….what is left?………
BEYOND GOOD \/ EVIL
UNITY \/ DOMINANCE
CREATION \/ DESTRUCTION
LIGHT \/ DARKNESS
1. Persecuted for Righteousness 1. Pride
2. Merciful / Peacemaker 2. Wrath
3. Pure of Heart 3. Envy
4. Mournful / Rejoice 4. Lust
5. Hungery after Righteousness 5. Gluttony
6. Meek 6. Sloth
7. Poor in Spirit 7. Avarice
BALANCE \/ CHAOS
1. Rapture 1. Agony
2. Tranquility 2. Struggle
3. Life 3. Death
4. Pleasure 4. Pain
5. Love 5. Hatred
6. Happiness 6. Sadness
7. Sanity 7. Madness
8. Peace 8. War
9. Benevolent 9. Malevolent
10. Utopia 10. Dystopia
FAITH \/ CONTROL
1. Divine Truth 1. Forbidden Knowledge
2. Fear Abominations 2. Axis of power
3. Pure tongue 3. Enigma
4. Sabbath (7th Day) 4. Armag/Apocalypse
5. Honour Fa../Mo.. 5. Lilith
6. Destiny/Fate 6. Mark of Kain
7. Betrayers Guilt 7. Iscariot Doctrine
8. Mercantilism 8. Mammons Conquest
9. Liars Poison 9. Machiavellianism
10. Covet Silence 10. Amraphel of Shinar
ULTIMATE / VOID \ ENTITIES
\ / \ / Chaos Barrier
1. Elohim / Allah 1. Outer Gods
2. Seraphim / Cherubim 2. Salanh / Apophis
/Dragon Class\ /Leviathan Class\
3. Archangels / Angels 3. Archdemon/ Demon
4. Garden Kin / Man 4. Lilith kin / Man
/PROTO CORPOREAL FORMATION\
5. Extracorporeal Soul 5. Precursion Link
/Divine Creation\ /Void Tether\
/QUANTUM FIELD SATURATION\
6. Luminous Accretion 6.Entropic Accretion
/Pure Filament\ /Holographic Horizon\
Chaos Barrier / /\ \ First Seed
7. Yliaster / Prime Matter
ULTIMATE / VOID \ ENTITIES
What really am i doing here?….
We each see the world through the lens of our minds, which begs the question… why is it this, that i see?, why is the world so lesser to me? I’m sick…of all this, why do i see nothing that makes living worth it? I want to be touched, I want to be felt, I want to be known by someone so deeply. But if ever I want to possess such a thing, I become empty; I retreat inward where no one can find me. like a serpent, crawling its way back through skull and bones, as it creeps further and further, the skin petrifies into a hard crust, my eyes sinking into pits of darkness; Finally leaving myself closed off to this world.
Now, to those who still want me, lets try love, just try to feel love from my animated corpse, what do you feel? Is it nothingness?…that is what you get from me, this exoskeleton that is I. You steal a kiss, but find brimstone, you hold me close to feel loved, but pull away, before being swallowed by the stark realization of how lesser you are to an infinite void. I have made my exit from this plain, until you can’t love me, until you no longer want to feel me, until you no longer want to know me.
So many things stand in shadow, too many things unknown, about me….
And the perpetrator and reason for my doom, is I, nothing bad happned to me that i did not control,
that i did not wish. everything that I am, is of my design, not yours, not theirs, not its….mine.
The things i like, the things i hate, and the things i want, all broken just the way i left them, lying twisted and tormented. the shame, the guilt, the pleasure, the pain, the sadness, the hurt inside i can not contain, anymore.
and i love it….
watch me run down my face, as i smile so softly, whispering, do you love me, do you need me, do you
see me, how long will i stay risen…this time.
the expression of my god…
see through the blood..what do you see…………..
do you know what eyes look like when their dead…pale, frozen, stuck, but still looking.
Now isn’t that funny….
The reason i don’t want love, is because when i see, i see someone else, other, changed, lost. Not
someone but something, a fixture in this world, acting, moving, subsisting like a piece of machinery.
Nothing to see here, nothing to say, nothing to be but this decay. I did feel somthing once, a decade ago, I did taste but a grain of love. That is why i can not forget, that is why i am forever haunted; this chasened mind comprehends what it doesn’t want to know, and never forgets what it can’t stand to remember.
I think im dangerous, but I won’t do anything about it……I’m just the way i like it.
Its caustic eyes devour the light. The sparks of inspiration bloom in the stark blackness a universe long. They filter the world unable to stand even looking at themselves now. each new trial of pain allowing for admittance to a new depth of agony. I venture further still entrenched in a belief to malinger my way through this forests estranged path. The fog a vanishing point for the trees both past and future, the suns ethereal shine piercing, a touched warmth and spring breeze compose a nostalgic feeling of innocence. The small valley hence beseeched by the dark epitaph in extended periphery. An opulent struggle of colors wasted in a place known by only a worlds faint whispers. A contrast of careful footsteps against the woodland songs carried on the wind, a delicate balance between man and nature, the intertwining realization loost upon the falling leaves. The sultry quiet peace of the smoothly flowing streams, lingers but a jealous moments breadth. The simple bespoken urgency trivialized in both form and purpose. haunting tones reverberating resounding resonance, enchanting with a romantic embrace of turning anticipation. The perfumed essence hanging upon the throat, to a narrowing vision of just a single note. Silence now, sleep to dreams unsettled, never to wake again or see the forest through the trees.
I sometimes gaze into the night and wonder…wonder what is their for me here. in this time, in this place.
I feel trapped by my unrequited existence, one with no end and paradoxically no beginning. I simply live
for the sake of just living, and I am tormented by this notion. i must exist because the alternative is
nonexistence…..oblivion……nothingness…silence. but what am I supposed to do; their is no god their is no hope their is no hidden truth. but even though I say these things I still keep searching for something,
something else, something different.. beyond nature. it eats away at my mind leading me down dark twisted paths to try to find this hidden knowledge. but the search for forbidden truth can always entice the rational and brilliant, because above all things, power is what we seek. a feeling of emptiness, dullness, and despair always lead one to find more from its surroundings. a nagging sensation of something just out of reach, or something left……unremembered, but what?. this is my plight, my eternal tragedy, a fight
for sanity in a world so satirically paradoxical its structure almost wanting corruption and insanity. but some how I preserver locked in this un-mortal coil, forever tasked by things I don’t believe in and yet can’t seem to forget. and therein lies the underpinning of my truth……….why can’t I forget….
Theres something crawling underneath, separating my skin from bone. I spake in deafened tones, a sea of enkindled filaments, the floating ghosts of the world aquarium. The beauty of the pain, the licking of the blood, slipping of the flesh. Bind me heaven and earth, eat me slowly, I ask whispered, the serpents gaze pulling. I feel the teeth burrowing in through my chest, my thinly veiled corpse but slender doorway and barrier to the maws great void. It reaches deeply, sitting now behind these eyes, peering out. A sharpened mood brings upon me, these darkly sweetened dreams of agony, a fantasy of a corrupted leviathan. I hear the hissing, the kind known only to silence, as it hides in all the empty spaces. As it devours, my eyes become shallow, taking on a peculiar shine. Do I dare ask when my final day will come to pass, or am I yet a haunted thought of a lion amongst the lambs.
as i read the past, i realize who i was before is gone, the voice, the words, the state of mind, all gone.
its like i was someone else entirely, or am now. most interesting of all i see how much i forgot, and
how much i didn’t mention. is that me, is that my voice saying these thing inside my head, the funny thing is this happens to us all, with every passing day, we now, are replaced, or erased, every night is our end. the death of who you are for who you will become. each man will know a thousands deaths before the real end. but it doesn’t feel like death, why?. why don’t i seem to care, you would think we should be afraid, what if……one time you weren’t the copy and you were the spectre?. could you cry out?, or would you just fade away, sinking further and further down, untill you see no light, no escape. has a previous me suffered this nightmare?, am i next?. a thought just occuered to me , we should all keep a journal, and keep it current. if this is all i write on this day then these are my last words. if i have loved ones…..l love you, bon voyage, its seem so stark a reality such as this one, but becasue the transition is forgotten each night we live blind to our real fate. we are less than 1% of the universe, then maybe we, inside our own thoughts are just as insignificent. easily copied, easily forged……easily forgotten. but i still feel here. Though how would i know if im just a copy, or an original constancy. small things may change if we cared to notice, but if the main archetypes remain, we may be easily fooled. think of a time you had something on your mind only to have it the next day be set at ease or some other emotional state replace a nervous angst. memory may be a lie…..a lie so deceptive it allows you to recify all notions you are not who you were. your brain sleeps to get rid of toxins and make corrections, what if this correction is you?. the core is copied, the key elements are transcribed, and significant quirks and behaviors remain. the rest is flushed out like a toxic bile. but why copy, why not just keep and erase the non essential. The reason is evolution, neural evolution. what is the non
essential, each day brings new challenges, how can you erase to become better, memory of the past
isn’t you, your personality, your face is erased, to better mirror your brains upgraded picture of the world. so assuming all this is true, what happens if you do not go swiftly into the night, what happens when the slate is not clean every new day. is that what im experiencing, a push back. my shattered mind growing within; alter egos spawning, left and right, my crowded mind bursting. not with multiple personalities but somting else,
an overlap, the dovetailing of selves. but each growing, changing even passed their failed demise. The how, and why still allude me. i think not all are saved from this unburdening, only some. does trama have something to do with their or my
survival. like the trinity i exist, all but not one, jesus expelled the demons called legion, or did he erase
the many reminance of a man trying to hold on and live. So to is god the trinity, was he trying to stop a
man from becoming ……..a god?. or does this story represent the corrution of incomplete renewal. what is the truth, do we erase the self we are today, for the self we will become…..WHO AM I???………………………………….i cannot say if I believe this to be real of fiction but it is still a possibility, memory is a LIE!!!.
I feel a hollowing of my aspects. A vampiric syphoning, bleeding me away from who I am. A concept of calamity, such a staunchly creeping apathy. Where have I collected I wondered, in these pools of settings sundered. Vision breaks at the horizons terminal condition. To vanish as all things do, passed the point of no returning. Time moves quickly when your alone, it runs like a casted shadow forced to flee the passing of the light. The only voice echoes it’s own reflection, a crowded place of mass deception. Am I Being hastened to meet some frightful finality, but by who or what?. The angels and demons the analogous machinations devised to explain away the mysteries of life’s cruelly fair yet cunning nature. As I still have a mind to bare witness, i ask to lessen me only if it will quite my sweet suffering. To not see this world as I do may be a blessing in these future trials. Though I can’t help but feel such scarcity wet my cheeks. I have me for the first time, since that dark age still lingering in my memory, unclasped its brutal grips. This homunculus in the recesses of my mind waiting to see without its guidance, what I’ll do. Is it me or is it you that lays claim to this life. Or have you always been waiting for me to say, I do?.
What is there to think…
Always my answer is to the thing I want most, is to strike the very thoughts from your mind. It is true if you do let lingering thoughts remain in the standing water of conscious space, they become a noxious substance.
The cost of purification has it’s own mark left. Hound thine best intention nipping at the morings dew. For a jealous hoarder of caring tongues, be so contrived in its opulence. Hath sickened air ever tasted so sweet, to the languished form i have of late become.
The grayness of your personality, causes this muting of interactions. You try so hard to keep the light in your eyes, but for all your effort you only manage a single glimmer. From whence doth this fickle outlook manifest, slithering from the creeping depths of malice.
A magnitude of hate and anger, rises to eclipse the sun. Drawing out the spaces where a love might reside. This empty wellspring of harrowing, sit and stare, watch and wonder, feed your own mouth the words a figment would possess. Interloper to the homunculus behind these eyes, a losing of a lost self’s unknown identity, a purpose given to these moments steals the potential of being found.
The lost soul drowns its sorrow with the existential persistence of the darkness. filling up its insides so as not to be forever wanting. A contentment was realised, a torment was completed. But in these days of solitary confinement, where the dreams of a dreamer fade to ash. The illumination burns the sharpened edges, returning the form back to the beginning, when the pain was to much to bear, when the strength to stand against it was never there.
Sometimes just being left in the black fathoms is enough. Still, everytime I think of what I want most, a new void opens and the darkness grows. How do i end this vicious cycle, or does the weight of iniquity fear a relinquishing of its power.